Confidence and criticism.

March 28, 2016

Criticism can be one of the most destructive things to receive.

We encounter countless stories of people who grew up wearing the labels that parents or peers gave them – either overtly or subtly – as a permanent tattoo across their identity. Those casual words, an uttered echo from the past, can slip slowly into reality as they are adopted and lived out by the receiver. Over time, they grow into something too heavy and bulky to cast off by ourselves.

Most people I know struggle with confidence. Even those we mentally put in the ‘over-confident’ category I often suspect are actually clinging on to their confidence by a thread that is as thin and tenuous as the rest of us. The power that criticism has is that it can sever what confidence in ourselves we do have.

The mistake that I often make is that I lump all criticism in the same camp. Because the other power that criticism has is constructive.

When we receive those words of criticism (and, equally importantly, when we speak those words over others), we need to identify whether it is constructive or destructive. Sometimes we give or receive them both all swirled up together, and we have to do a bit of honest sifting. Being able to identify criticism is essential. It can stop us from remaining static; always helping us to see ourselves differently, think differently, approach people and problems in new ways. But it can also help us to identify when we let criticism shout lies about us that we start to believe.

Which are the bits that, spoken in love or with a desire to help, strike an uncomfortable chord? As a (very) general rule, they tend to be the things that make us react defensively, those things that we immediately want to forget, bury or justify. But we also need to able to distinguish what is unnecessary, spoken out of resentment, carelessness or jealousy. Those tend to be the things that make us feel crushed, the ones that we struggle to forget and cause the most pain. Words that can make us give up on the things we love doing.

Thinking through these objectively often requires a large dose of being honest with yourself about your flaws, but also a healthy respect for yourself and your gifts. If you know something is destructive, allow those words to go. I’m aware that is not as easy as it sounds. It’s a process that will probably look more like a wrestling match than a flock of birds taking flight, but it is worth the fight.

The trouble is, I’ve noticed within myself a paradox I don’t fully understand. I struggle to have confidence in the things I do and create. And yet… I have so much pride that I find it hard to take when people try and help or give guidance. That pride so often stands in the way of me being able to learn, get better, and build my confidence (ironically). My natural reaction is to want to have a childish ‘well, what’s the point in even trying?’ tantrum (am I alone?). But when we let the constructive criticism change us, when we take it on board and make changes, we eventually render those words that are painful to our pride empty. They may need to stick with us for a time, but sooner or later, they will naturally fall away, becoming irrelevant as we learn and grow out of them.

When we take control of how we take and react to criticism, we release some of the control it can have over us. We can (and should) take it on board, but we do not need to take it personally.

We can let it in, let it change us, and use it, but we don’t need to let it define us.