Notes from November.
One more month to go to complete this A Year in Notes series. An informal, personal commitment I made to myself to document the ways I connect to nature throughout the year, as the seasons change. To remind myself to stop, notice, and get outside. To be aware, even if just for a moment, of the landscape – both outside of myself and within myself. To carve out some intentional reflection and connection.
The thought has crossed my mind. I could just quietly stop. Ten months is not bad. Nobody even knows I planned to do it for a whole year. Would that be better than having to admit to myself, in stark letters on this page, the reality that I’ve allowed myself to get really disconnected from nature lately? It’s the season of sunrises and sunsets – right within reach. I love a good sky as the sun rises or sets, and yet I haven’t been outside for a single one. I am missing it, and feeling the effects. It changes the quality of each day. It’s the kind of thing I’d usually be hard on myself for.
But I’m not going to beat myself up about it. Not this time.
I can’t juggle it all, and I’m fed up of trying. Of falling for the narrative that we must be busy or we’re failing. We must be balancing plates, effortlessly, flawlessly, and with (seemingly) minimum effort. And I’m not going to ignore the fire I feel in my belly when I wonder why this is even expected of us at all. Not this time.
The rough knot in my stomach has been an off and on companion for the last month or so. Sometimes growing softer, quieter, more comfortable, and sometimes getting prickly, grazing my insides to remind me its there. The kind of thing I usually ignore, turn down the volume, shut down. But not this time.
This time I will thank that knot. I will thank it for speaking to me, for pulling me back to myself. And I will listen to what it’s telling me. Because I am nature too. Me and my body. Interconnected. And this connection matters just as much.
This truth could probably be more eloquent, but I’m tired. It’s the truth, and that is enough. This month, month 11 of my Notes, feels different. But really, maybe it’s not that different at all.
